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Normal In An Abnormal Way

I am a 38 year old stay at home mom of 2 living kids & 1 who fly’s high & watches over us. My husband provides for our family and we live in middle class suburbia just outside of Denver Colorado.  I have heard many comments regarding my life as seen on Facebook or heard when talking to people. “you are SO lucky!”, “Sounds like a charmed life”, “Your mom must be proud”, You have accomplished so much”, and my favorite of all “I WISH I had your life”

These kinds comments were actually one of the reasons I was so sure that no one actually knew anything about me and my actual life. It was time to find a way to remove these masks. After 38 years, and a whole lifetime of being dehumanized I am finally in a place where I can finally meet the little girl hidden inside of me behind the many masks I have had to wear throughout my life.

Looks can be and often are deceiving. I used to work so hard to look “normal” at all costs. My entire life I have wanted nothing more then just to be normal. My primary care doctor said it best last fall.

“Remember you ARE normal in a completely abnormal way”

This blog was originally started in fall of 2016 as an attempt to fulfill this lifetime pull to create something I can be proud of and to make my own path in life and to help others by sharing my story. But a little over a year ago I just didn’t have the tools, self awareness, knowledge or understanding of…um well anything actually. I didn’t realize that a blog would force me to become introspective in ways I didn’t even know were possible.

But being a head first jumping in kinda gal I went for it. I had unknowingly jumped head first into this rabbit hole I could have never prepared myself to venture down (think Alice following the White Rabbit). You could say it opened my eyes to places in my mind that I didn’t even know were in the realm of possibility of existence in MY head. This “Rabbit Hole” started me on the path of self awareness I could have only dreamt about.  Having the power to love myself, believe in myself & understand myself has helped me in every aspect of my life & has given so much clarity to so many things in my life.

There are some people out there who take bad things and let them fester and cause hate and resentment. I am trying to take a lifetime’s worth of hard things that are beyond what most people have experienced in their lives and take all that bad stuff write about it and turn them into something good.

This blog is my outlet for letting people in. I have never been good at truly opening up. I don’t really know how. But I am going to tell my stories, share my thoughts, share my bad days and my good days. I am hoping that by blogging I will finally find myself a REAL voice. I will be able to get my thoughts out there and maybe help someone else who has been lost and needs that one little light of hope to spark a fire of motivation in themselves.

Who am I? I The Loopy Llama. A strong, brilliant, beautiful HUMAN. To my readers now and in the future, thank you for reading and following the life of 1 crazy lady trying to find her way in the world. Hopefully this blog will help me continue get to know myself and will help me find ways to really start to understand others.

– Loopy

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Severe Combined Presentation Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

One day recently I suddenly realized that the two main things I was lacking the ability to do very well (or at all some would argue) are logic & reasoning. I mean I thought I was logical and had great reasoning skills until suddenly I realized I didn’t. These have been the 2 main skills that have made the biggest impact on how I am able to live my life right now.

Severe Combined Presentation Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder means both hyperactivity and attention deficit are equally present and both are severe. 

Continue reading Severe Combined Presentation Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

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A Quick Vent: I Lost 100 Pounds But Still Do Not Like What I See

This was NOT caused by food. This was caused by hormones and doctors not understanding that I was not an overeating hypochondriac. I have always been afraid of getting fat because I have had body dysmorphic disorder as long as I can remember. Then it happened.

Even though I look much thinner now I still look in the mirror & hate what I see. I hate my bat wings, I hate my extra skin everywhere, I hate my saggy empty deflated boobs, my boobs are not only depressing looking but they’re also really uncomfortable.

I want a boob job & tummy tuck when I turn 40 (1.5 more years) but I doubt I’ll be able to get one because of how much it’ll cost. Even though I’m confident and love myself much more now I will always struggle soooooooooooooo much with not identifying with what I see in the mirror. I see an old saggy lady on the outside but on the inside I will probably never even be 25 years old on the inside thanks to being emotionally & socially stunted.

– Loopy

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You Can’t Live With Them, You Can’t Live Without Them

“You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them” is a phrase we all know. This is the first “introductory” post in a (hopeful) series of “you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”

I was diagnosed with severe ADHD – Combined presentation back in April of 2015 and started treating it in June of that year. Right away I noticed a huge change in the way my brain was working. Right now it is March 2018, this all happened less than 3 years ago and since then I have completely transformed as a person. One thing I noticed is that there are so many “things I have” that I found out about so late in life I literally cannot live without them but I cannot live with them (the way they were) either.

These things can be anything from my laundry list of diagnosis’, the traumas suffered in my life growing up in California in the 1980’s – 1990’s, my lost decade the 2000’s, and all of the things in between. Everything in my life is part of me, part of who I am and part of my story. I can’t live without the things that make me but I can’t continue to live with these things either.

cI am trying to grow acceptance and tolerance by sharing this story. I am trying to bring eye-opening awareness to doctors and they way they look at and treat patients. I am trying to spread hope and inspire strength and loving yourself and who you are to everyone who needs it. My story is a crazy labyrinth of seemingly boring and mundane things, mixed with underlying hardships, tragedies, hopelessness but has turned into an incredibly touching and heartwarming tale of resilience, perseverance, and inner strength. The best part is that my story is still evolving.

I am so thankful everyday that I am now in a place where I can start to share this crazy whirlwind. My story needs to be told.

-Loopy

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Q&A: You ask & I answer

How did you come up with the name “Loopy Llama”?

This was the single most popular question that I was asked over the past couple weeks doing events. The answer is extremely simple but also might be long to explain. So, I will start with the obvious.

As most everyone knows, I crochet and there is a crochet stitch that I really despise but I use anyway called “Loop Stitch”, if anyone has heard the way I say “loop stitch” in my mind please insert that voice here

Another reason which is less known than my crochet is that I also sell yarn. I also love animals and llamas have always been a favorite because they are so ridiculous. Lastly at Ewe For You you can buy yarn that is called “Llama Lace” – can you guess what it is made from? As it turns out having an online retail business is not really for me. I approached starting my yarn shop the same way as I do with most other things in life and now I am left with $16,000 debt from inventory that is to high-end to sell fast enough to even cover the interest I accrue. I am going to use my imagination to describe the situation with my impulsivity and turn it into a story of “looking before you leap”. This is a story I am making up on the spot and I haven’t made up a story like this before so hopefully it does that job…. *Clears Throat*

Imagine an extremely happy albeit slightly crazy rainbow furry monster running along wildly with it’s arms outstretched behind it just flapping in the wind. Then suddenly the monster comes across a random ladder. “A ladder!? I must climb!” Without looking to see where the ladder went the monster goes flying up, and it is a really tall ladder. At the top of the ladder the monster discovers a diving board! “Oh Boy Swimming!” Then with great gusto and without hesitation a dangerous swan dive into a belly flop landing. Only the pool was not filled with water. The pool filled with quicksand.

Yep…. That about sums it up. I don’t typically think things through, or think about them at all but I am working on that. Ewe For You is a painful reminder of bellyflopping into quicksand, instead of perfect 10.0 quadrouple backflip showoff dive into clear, refreshing water.

I saved the best reason I chose Loopy Llama for last!! I AM the Loopy Llama. I drew the logo as a punk rock llama with a rainbow mohawk. Llama’s are ridiculous and some people think they are ugly or scary. But the people who love llamas REALLY love llamas. Llama lovers love these quirky ridiculous creatures despite the fact that the llama may spit at them and may not be the nicest. They love them for the weird teeth and funny faces. I have a lot in common with llamas.

I hope this answer was satasfactory. I will keep answering questions as long as you keep asking! Please keep asking!

– Loopy

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Galaxy Fest & Genghis Con 41

The inspiration for writing this today struck when I was working on other parts of my website. I am trying to never deny the urge to express myself creatively whether it be through writing, drawing, crocheting or anything else I find myself doing. Sometimes the real trick is getting inspiration to stay long enough to complete a task. But I really need to update about (GF) Galaxy Fest 2018 (Feb. 9-11, 2018) and (GC41) Genghis Con 41 (February 16-18, 2018) anyway. So here it goes. Continue reading Galaxy Fest & Genghis Con 41

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My dreams suck!

Today I am tying up loose ends to get ready for Galaxy Fest this weekend in Colorado Springs. We have to leave bright and early! But I had a realization and decided to spare a little time to share it here. Continue reading My dreams suck!

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I think backwards. It is frustrating.

Today on the way to lunch (street tacos YUM) my hubby and I had a conversation that has led me to writing something today.

I THINK BACKWARDS!! I literally do. Even writing this post. I started with what led me to make this post. Then I wrote the 2nd to last paragraph, followed by the very last paragraph before finally realizing I needed to restructure my writing to make sense. Continue reading I think backwards. It is frustrating.

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Sorry it has been a month since my last post

I have started to write several times but just can’t complete a thought. Since I started treating my ADHD and other various mental health issues in early summer 2015 I go through these periods where I feel like I am doing a lot of mental, emotional, intellectual growth. It is hard to explain but I become very reclusive. It is essentially like I am peeling back layers.

Continue reading Sorry it has been a month since my last post

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Social Anxiety & Animeland Wasabi

I have so much to say right now!!  I can go on and on and on and on and on. So in an effort to hopefully gain followers and not bore them to tears I made a choice when I started blogging to try to limit myself with how much I say in each blog post. Today I will not get to say even close to half of what I would like to say.  I would like to keep your attention. I have the rest of my life to explain what makes me….me!!

Last weekend was Animeland Wasabi (February 10-12, 2017) and I learned so much getting ready for and at this event. I don’t even think I sold enough to pay for my table but the “lessons learned life-ing” as I like to say, that is worth more than money to me.  Continue reading Social Anxiety & Animeland Wasabi