I suffer from many mental illnesses and they are extremely severe forms of each. The craziest part? The extent of my issues are still being uncovered. I had no idea I had most of these issues until I was 35. I am 37 now.
I have always known that I was different. I was weird and awkward. In grade school I was known as “The Cootie Girl”. I am not even sure why. It must’ve been my aura.
Growing up was extremely difficult for my siblings and I. I am the oldest of 3 children. My sister is 16 months younger then I am and my brother was born 1 month after I turned 3 years old. My family is very small. I do not have any first cousins, except a baby my uncle gave up for adoption back in the 60’s long before I was even born.
Growing up as small children we not only had a married set of parents, but we also had THREE sets of grandparents and an aunt and an uncle (my mom’s siblings) who didn’t have children of their own, 2 great aunts (one of them lived in Spain) and a Great Grandmother. Three children in a family full of what should have been doting and loving adults……what a fun and amazing childhood that would’ve been.
Instead we had chaos, abandonment, neglect, and one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever known of. The disfunction runs deep in this family. One day I should have my mom write a blog post about our lineage. She has done a lot of research and knows so much about generations of my crazy family.
Well crazy family aside, I was born with anxiety issues. I have had insomnia and anxiety (general, OCD, social) my entire life. So much anxiety and so many overlooked symptoms.
I have to piece my childhood together in many different posts that will absolutely not be chronological but hopefully once it is all out there (if it ever is) someone, somewhere might put it all in chronological order and put it in a book one day. Who knows. All I know is that my childhood was pretty bizarre, traumatizing and not conducive to nurturing a child who had as many mental illnesses and struggles as I had.
In fact, no one seemed to notice at all.
So fast forward to 2014 – 2015, I hit my bottom emotionally. I was officially the most unhappy and depressed I had ever been and was starting down yet another path of self destruction, but that is for another post.
In January of 2015 I was given advice by my husband’s 3rd cousin (I think that is what she is anyway). She is an older woman who said “If you’re not happy, then change it” Of course I thought she was insane and it wasn’t that easy in real life. So she challenged me to try it and so I decided to see what I could do.
In March of 2015 I went in for psychological testing and finally had a 13 page report describing me to a perfect tee. I also had some official diagnosis’s right there in black and white.
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – Combined Presentation
- General Anxiety
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I actually HIGHLY recommend full psychological testing for every person in this world. It was such an enlightening experience. I had no idea that I had ADHD or PTSD. I did know I had major anxiety and was already taking Lexapro for my OCD (again another story).
For today, I am just letting the world know…
I AM MENTALLY ILL!!!
I am unashamed and I will never again attempt to hide my disabilities behind a veil of “normalcy” .
One of my main goals with this blog is to show how misunderstood most people who have serious mental illness are. Also to shed light to the masses about the alarming rate of denial about our own possibilities of our own bouts with mental illness. I want to show you, the people who are ashamed. You do not need to be ashamed.
This was just a quick-y blog post to share some words I put together today, and a small background of information for some context. My brain is like a big whooshing whirling cyclone. It can’t stay on topic and makes it hard to write, speak, think in a way that is coherent to someone other then myself.
Things I want you to know about my mental illnesses.
Awkward, Neurotic, Xenophobic, Isolated, Emotional, Tempestuous, Yielding
Ardent, Distrait, Haphazard, Dynamic
Panicky, Trepidation, Stricken, Dread
Overwhelmed, Complex, Distraught