Since hubby & I have started going to the gym again (life gets in the way a lot lately) I have met someone every single time I have gone. This amazingly hideous denim vest is one example of what happens to me when I actually talk to people. I don’t get ugly vests every time but more often than not when I talk to people I end up with random stories and sometimes free stuff I guess.
In early March I was walking though the gym to get to one of my favorite pieces of equipment and as I got there I saw an employee get off the elevator pushing a big towel bin. He was a normal looking 20 something year old guy but I noticed he was wearing one of the most hideously yet amazing vests I have ever seen. Denim with sparkly rhinestone’s.
I was Bedazzled by its beauty.
Omg hahahahahaha sorry I had to. So anyway. I stand there for a second because I was waiting for someone to finish a set on the pull-uppy thing I love. But then I decided I had to chase him and tell him how much I loved his vest. So I stopped him and this is the gist conversation that we had;
Me: “Hey! OMG that is the best vest ever! I just wanted to tell you!”
Guy: “Haha Thanks! Do you want it?”
Me: (shocked) “Um, NO hahaha!”
Guy: “Are you sure? I am probably just going to throw it away after today, it isn’t really my style.”
Me: “Haha Why? It is so hideous and amazing!?”
Guy: “Well today is denim day and I wanted to go all out. So yesterday I went shopping and I was looking for something ridiculous. I was going to get one like this with a furry neck, but then I saw this one and I had to have it. It was just to perfect to make my outfit.”
Me: “HAHAHAHA! You chose well!”
Guy: “So do you want it? It is an XL (women’s) so it might be too big on you”
Me: “Sure, since I know the hilarious story behind it. Plus it’s a vest who cares if it is too big!”
So then I was stuck walking around the gym with this vest. When I found my hubby he was kind of confused why I had a sparkly jean vest that he had never seen before. So then I explained and I realized that I ended up with my own funny story about this vest.
I am a 38 year old stay at home mom of 2 living kids & 1 who fly’s high & watches over us. My husband provides for our family and we live in middle class suburbia just outside of Denver Colorado. I have heard many comments regarding my life as seen on Facebook or heard when talking to people. “you are SO lucky!”, “Sounds like a charmed life”, “Your mom must be proud”, You have accomplished so much”, and my favorite of all “I WISH I had your life”
These kinds comments were actually one of the reasons I was so sure that no one actually knew anything about me and my actual life. It was time to find a way to remove these masks. After 38 years, and a whole lifetime of being dehumanized I am finally in a place where I can finally meet the little girl hidden inside of me behind the many masks I have had to wear throughout my life.
Looks can be and often are deceiving. I used to work so hard to look “normal” at all costs. My entire life I have wanted nothing more then just to be normal. My primary care doctor said it best last fall.
“Remember you ARE normal in a completely abnormal way”
This blog was originally started in fall of 2016 as an attempt to fulfill this lifetime pull to create something I can be proud of and to make my own path in life and to help others by sharing my story. But a little over a year ago I just didn’t have the tools, self awareness, knowledge or understanding of…um well anything actually. I didn’t realize that a blog would force me to become introspective in ways I didn’t even know were possible.
But being a head first jumping in kinda gal I went for it. I had unknowingly jumped head first into this rabbit hole I could have never prepared myself to venture down (think Alice following the White Rabbit). You could say it opened my eyes to places in my mind that I didn’t even know were in the realm of possibility of existence in MY head. This “Rabbit Hole” started me on the path of self awareness I could have only dreamt about. Having the power to love myself, believe in myself & understand myself has helped me in every aspect of my life & has given so much clarity to so many things in my life.
There are some people out there who take bad things and let them fester and cause hate and resentment. I am trying to take a lifetime’s worth of hard things that are beyond what most people have experienced in their lives and take all that bad stuff write about it and turn them into something good.
This blog is my outlet for letting people in. I have never been good at truly opening up. I don’t really know how. But I am going to tell my stories, share my thoughts, share my bad days and my good days. I am hoping that by blogging I will finally find myself a REAL voice. I will be able to get my thoughts out there and maybe help someone else who has been lost and needs that one little light of hope to spark a fire of motivation in themselves.
Who am I? I The Loopy Llama. A strong, brilliant, beautiful HUMAN. To my readers now and in the future, thank you for reading and following the life of 1 crazy lady trying to find her way in the world. Hopefully this blog will help me continue get to know myself and will help me find ways to really start to understand others.
One day recently I suddenly realized that the two main things I was lacking the ability to do very well (or at all some would argue) are logic & reasoning. I mean I thought I was logical and had great reasoning skills until suddenly I realized I didn’t. These have been the 2 main skills that have made the biggest impact on how I am able to live my life right now.
Severe Combined Presentation Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder means both hyperactivity and attention deficit are equally present and both are severe.
This was NOT caused by food. This was caused by hormones and doctors not understanding that I was not an overeating hypochondriac. I have always been afraid of getting fat because I have had body dysmorphic disorder as long as I can remember. Then it happened.
Even though I look much thinner now I still look in the mirror & hate what I see. I hate my bat wings, I hate my extra skin everywhere, I hate my saggy empty deflated boobs, my boobs are not only depressing looking but they’re also really uncomfortable.
I want a boob job & tummy tuck when I turn 40 (1.5 more years) but I doubt I’ll be able to get one because of how much it’ll cost. Even though I’m confident and love myself much more now I will always struggle soooooooooooooo much with not identifying with what I see in the mirror. I see an old saggy lady on the outside but on the inside I will probably never even be 25 years old on the inside thanks to being emotionally & socially stunted.
I realized about 4-5 days after I posted this blog post that it sounded very misleading about how controlling my hubby is. The truth is, he is not controlling at all in most ways, but in some infuriating but usually minor but some major (to me) ways he is WAY too let’s say. Stubborn. Too stubborn for his own good! But overall he’s exactly who I need and I knew it the first time I smelled him.
Yes, I said Smelled him
The story of us is long and complicated but we have been through hell and back together, we have grown up together & we love each other very much so everything makes us stronger. My hubby and I met online…I will admit this now because WHO CARES….on E-Harmony. For years and years I was afraid that there was some weird stigma associated with meeting my hubby on E-Harmony. I guess I should be thanking Neil Clark Warren for creating a matching system that works! Anyway we met on there in October of 2004. I was out at Pechanga Casino in Temecula, CA helping celebrate my BFF’s (at the time, we don’t talk anymore) birthday. I came home, checked my e-mail and saw I had a match. He was not the normal type I would go for. His picture was awkward and unflattering and he looked uncomfortable. Turns out there was a reason for all of that. He WAS uncomfortable. My hubby HATES having his pictures taken and he hates them being posted on the internet even more.
The first time I met hubby in person he had driven 105 miles from The Valley (Woodland Hills, LA County) to where I was living in Murrieta CA (about 65 miles north of San Diego). It was pouring rain. He made the comment that “this is California, this will be the only rain we see this year”. Boy did he ever jinx us, 2004-2005 was the rainiest year thus far THIS CENTURY. According to this source we had over 32″ of rain in Temecula CA that year. Anyone who lived in Southern California and was old enough to have cognizant memories of this remembers this rainy year I’m sure. Do you?
Anyway in March of 2005 I moved to LA to live with hubby, at this time he was my boyfriend obviously. I will just call him hubby for ease of typing and to be less confusing since I am talking about a single person. It was not really by choice that I moved in right then. My sister was pregnant with my nephew, still married to her deadbeat ex, and they were living in the “living room” a.k.a. a small awkward and unoccupied space in the front of the house my mom was renting at the time. Basically I was ousted for my pregnant sister, her hubby and their “need” for an actual bedroom and that caused me to pretty much be forced to move in with hubby or sleep in the living room. Hubby did not agree with my mom taking my bedroom away and I moved in. We lived with roommates until April or May in 2006 when they moved to VA so we had to find a smaller apartment. We moved to Oak Park, CA and got a puppy! He was a purebred Maltese and we named him Yoshi.
Fast forward to October 2006 (only 5 months later yes I know) and hubby gets a job offer from Photobucket. This was the job that plucked us out of CA and landed us in Denver Colorado (where we live currently). Back in 2006 Photobucket used to be the shit, it was booming and it was a great move for us. In Sept. 2007 was our first real taste of “Going Public” and the money that can bring to someone who happens to work at a great start-up. Denver & Boulder are full of start-ups! Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t win the lotto with that or anything. I think over the course of a couple of years we maybe totaled about $100k….but it was a good thing because life happens and boy did it ever happen to us! A.K.A WE HAVE NO MONEY SO DON’T COME ROB ME! We spent all the money we got on paying down the principal for our first home. VERY good planning because “The Great Recession” hit right after we closed on our first house (We closed in July 2007).
In 2008 we got married at our kitchen table with his mom as our witness. The strangest thing is legal in Colorado. You can marry yourselves! We went down to the county clerks office, picked up the license, followed the instructions the clerk gave us to be legally married without anyone to officiate, and off we went. We did the things, turned in the license, paid the fee and we have been 100% legally in the eyes of the law! I mean yes…. I was/still am disappointed I didn’t have a bachelorette party, or any kind of reception to or party at all speak of. But in all actuality I probably know more people now then I have in my entire life, especially if you look at 10 years ago!
In 2009 we had our first baby, a son. He is now 8.5, 4’6″, & is 70lbs. In 2011 we had a full term stillborn son, Paxton. You can read his story here and the update here, after that we went on the see a fertility doctor and after lots of expensive & stressful treatments later we ended up with our “Rainbow Baby” daughter. She is now 5 years old and is really taking after her mom in so many ways, but she seems to be neuro typical which is good! I know it seems like I am skipping important bits of info here but I am trying to just explain the basics of our life together and the rest will be filled in with other blog posts.
In August 2013 hubby got a job at Rackspace in Austin Texas, so we packed up the fam and moved to good old ATX. The 2 years and 3 months we spent in Texas were long, hellish & extremely testing of every single piece of everyone’s mental limits. Texas was where I lost my mind, but I really found a husband and life partner. Prior to January 2015 hubby and I were married, in love and it was just that. Neither of us knew how to really know the other one. What they need, what their thinking, just everything. Texas was where hubby and I really came together and became entwined in this amazing web of mutual and every growing love & respect for each other as our individual selves and as a cohesive unit.
In November 2015 we moved back to Denver. We needed Texas for our karmic journeys but we only needed it until we left, I know if we stayed too long it would ruin everything. Yes, Texas was a very bad place for me on a spiritual level. I was very sick there mentally and physically. I felt a sense of repression and impending doom the whole time we lived there. Hard to explain. If you want a quickie (and old) explanation here is a really old blog post where I tried to explain my spiritual beliefs and my way of thinking. Since moving back to Denver, I know this is where we belong now forever, things have gone from good but getting better, to AMAZING and improving everyday!
Next time I am talking to you and you wonder why I am staying with such a “butthead” remember that butthead exterior is covering up the sweetest, most understanding of everything (except social and emotional needs) man in the whole world. He has loved me since I was (almost) 25 and he was 23. Back then he was bigger and I was about the size I am now. But he still loved me just the same and never commented on the fact that I grew to almost 300 pounds with all the disastrous medical care I was getting. He is an amazing person underneath, just like me! On my surface I am even more questionable with my social skills than hubby!
Anyway. Here we are. It is March 2018. We are still together and while we both annoy the hell out of each other we understand, accept and love each other more than ever. I didn’t ever doubt for a second I would meet my Prince Charming one day and I knew I had found him. All it took was that first wiff of him.
“You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them” is a phrase we all know. This is the first “introductory” post in a (hopeful) series of “you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”
I was diagnosed with severe ADHD – Combined presentation back in April of 2015 and started treating it in June of that year. Right away I noticed a huge change in the way my brain was working. Right now it is March 2018, this all happened less than 3 years ago and since then I have completely transformed as a person. One thing I noticed is that there are so many “things I have” that I found out about so late in life I literally cannot live without them but I cannot live with them (the way they were) either.
These things can be anything from my laundry list of diagnosis’, the traumas suffered in my life growing up in California in the 1980’s – 1990’s, my lost decade the 2000’s, and all of the things in between. Everything in my life is part of me, part of who I am and part of my story. I can’t live without the things that make me but I can’t continue to live with these things either.
cI am trying to grow acceptance and tolerance by sharing this story. I am trying to bring eye-opening awareness to doctors and they way they look at and treat patients. I am trying to spread hope and inspire strength and loving yourself and who you are to everyone who needs it. My story is a crazy labyrinth of seemingly boring and mundane things, mixed with underlying hardships, tragedies, hopelessness but has turned into an incredibly touching and heartwarming tale of resilience, perseverance, and inner strength. The best part is that my story is still evolving.
I am so thankful everyday that I am now in a place where I can start to share this crazy whirlwind. My story needs to be told.
This was the single most popular question that I was asked over the past couple weeks doing events. The answer is extremely simple but also might be long to explain. So, I will start with the obvious.
As most everyone knows, I crochet and there is a crochet stitch that I really despise but I use anyway called “Loop Stitch”, if anyone has heard the way I say “loop stitch” in my mind please insert that voice here
Another reason which is less known than my crochet is that I also sell yarn. I also love animals and llamas have always been a favorite because they are so ridiculous. Lastly at Ewe For You you can buy yarn that is called “Llama Lace” – can you guess what it is made from? As it turns out having an online retail business is not really for me. I approached starting my yarn shop the same way as I do with most other things in life and now I am left with $16,000 debt from inventory that is to high-end to sell fast enough to even cover the interest I accrue. I am going to use my imagination to describe the situation with my impulsivity and turn it into a story of “looking before you leap”. This is a story I am making up on the spot and I haven’t made up a story like this before so hopefully it does that job…. *Clears Throat*
Imagine an extremely happy albeit slightly crazy rainbow furry monster running along wildly with it’s arms outstretched behind it just flapping in the wind. Then suddenly the monster comes across a random ladder. “A ladder!? I must climb!” Without looking to see where the ladder went the monster goes flying up, and it is a really tall ladder. At the top of the ladder the monster discovers a diving board! “Oh Boy Swimming!” Then with great gusto and without hesitation a dangerous swan dive into a belly flop landing. Only the pool was not filled with water. The pool filled with quicksand.
Yep…. That about sums it up. I don’t typically think things through, or think about them at all but I am working on that. Ewe For You is a painful reminder of bellyflopping into quicksand, instead of perfect 10.0 quadrouple backflip showoff dive into clear, refreshing water.
I saved the best reason I chose Loopy Llama for last!! I AM the Loopy Llama. I drew the logo as a punk rock llama with a rainbow mohawk. Llama’s are ridiculous and some people think they are ugly or scary. But the people who love llamas REALLY love llamas. Llama lovers love these quirky ridiculous creatures despite the fact that the llama may spit at them and may not be the nicest. They love them for the weird teeth and funny faces. I have a lot in common with llamas.
I hope this answer was satasfactory. I will keep answering questions as long as you keep asking! Please keep asking!
Last weekend I went to Chuck E. Cheese’s for my next door neighbors daughter’s 5th birthday party. My kids (8) & (5) were invited and they have never been to Chuck E. Cheese’s. The last time I remember being there was right around the time the Gulf War officially started which was in 1990 so it has been a while. Continue reading I Survived Chuck E. Cheese’s
The inspiration for writing this today struck when I was working on other parts of my website. I am trying to never deny the urge to express myself creatively whether it be through writing, drawing, crocheting or anything else I find myself doing. Sometimes the real trick is getting inspiration to stay long enough to complete a task. But I really need to update about (GF) Galaxy Fest 2018 (Feb. 9-11, 2018) and (GC41) Genghis Con 41 (February 16-18, 2018) anyway. So here it goes. Continue reading Galaxy Fest & Genghis Con 41
Today I am tying up loose ends to get ready for Galaxy Fest this weekend in Colorado Springs. We have to leave bright and early! But I had a realization and decided to spare a little time to share it here. Continue reading My dreams suck!